Alanis Updated the Lyrics to 'Ironic' - & It Was Amazing.

Been a minute since I've updated the ol' blog here. Such is life. Without making this overdo silence a 'thing', let's cut to a video all of your 90s loving hearts will more than appreciate. It's laugh out loud before coffee good. Enjoy.

 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GVJpOmaDyU&w=560&h=315]

Introducing Coin - A Sexy Ass Diet for Your Wallet

Sick of massive wallets laden with cards you seldom use - but still use often enough not to leave them at home? Worry and read that wordy ass sentence no more - with Coin, a super fly invention designed to electronically house all your cards in one. It's equipped with a low blue tooth signal for security and is pretty much brilliant. Nerd out, slim down, spend on. Your wallet just pulled a fancy one on ya... and is lookin' damn sexy in the process.

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9Sx34swEG0&w=560&h=315]

Tinder. The Movie.

Some of you may have caught my How Do You Like to Be Tinder'd Girl post a while back and well, I'm proud and perhaps too excited to share this gem of a fake trailer. You guessed it ladies and gents - this is Tinder: The Movie. In kindling and flames, Fletch

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dou4bbBUcR4&w=420&h=315]

Stick Gets Inducted Into the National Toy Hall of Fame

After a rousing morning of perusing the original Space Jam Website, my coworker @hornfolio  introduced me to a little something called the Toy Hall of Fame. While I expected items such as Checkers, a dollhouse, crayons and even dominoes to have made the cut, I did not think a stick - like the tree kind of stick - would have made the list. The stick was inducted into this famed list in 2008, a solid um - forever after they were invented... by the earth. The following is the picture they use along with the borderline second grade level description, which I find very entertaining. Be sure to note the allusion to sticks perhaps being the oldest toy, adults not being able to resist their stick-like allure, and finally, while reiterating they may or may not be the oldest toy, they are not definitely, but possibly the best.

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The stick may be the world’s oldest toy. Animals play with sticks, and we use them to play fetch with our dogs. Children find sticks an endless source of make-believe fun. Sticks can turn into swords, magic wands, majorette batons, fishing poles, and light sabers. When children pretend with sticks, they cultivate their creativity and develop their imaginations. They explore as they search outdoors for just the right one. Children build with sticks, bat balls with them, and walk with them. They are the original building blocks for creative play. Sticks also promote free play—the freedom to invent and discover. They encourage playing outside instead of inside. Sticks are all around us; they are natural and free. And playing with sticks isn’t just for children and animals. Adult artists, crafters, decorators, and architects all make use of sticks in sculptures, wreaths, furniture, and building design. Few adults or children can resist simple play with sticks—from drawing in the sand on the beach, to building a campfire and then toasting marshmallows. Sticks are not only possibly the oldest toys, they’re possibly the best!

Proof this is actually what it says. 

Other toys deserving of his noteworthy acclaim include Monopoly (even though they killed the Iron), playing cards (which somehow didn't make it in until 2010), a blanket (which if you ask me, is not a toy at all), and finally an erector set (which is a really inappropriately named child's toy).

Monopoly Kills Jail and Iconic Iron Game Piece: World Cries

Now I realize I'm a bit of a 90s purist, but seriously Monopoly? You killed the iron? And you did it in February?? How was this not bigger news? It's like, and I mean EXACTLY like, when they stripped Pluto of its planet classification and I, for one, am miffed. The iron is as dead as a doornail. That's one thing. At least they used the word retired to make it sound respectful in some way. What, you ask, did they replace it with? A cat. No you did not hear me wrong. They replaced the however random but classic iron with a cat. I blame Youtube. That is all.

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Cat rants aside, the reason for this blog post is to hit upon another point entirely. Monopoly is doing away with jail and just wait til you hear why. They're getting rid of um, the only obstacle in the game, because kids don't have time to go to jail while PLAYING A BOARD GAME. They. Don't. Have. Time. To. Roll. Doubles? I'll tell ya, I'm worried about Vegas come 20 years from now (street cred to #frobro).  They blame short attention spans of today's youth and instead of, I don't know, sending them outside with a stick and a juice box, they're conforming and making what is essentially Monopoly lite.

monopoly-jail-top630

The entire premise of the game is different. In this, what they call Monopoly Empire version, players can buy and trade big brands like McDonalds, XBox and Coca-Cola instead of properties. Are you freaking kidding me? One of the game pieces is a mini XBox controller and I'd be shocked if others didn't include a Big Mac and a Coke can.

<insert future vision of  humans in wall-e here>

walle-e-humans-in-the-spaceship

Between 2004 and 2009, Kaiser preformed a study that concluded child media consumption increased from 1.5 hours per day .... to 7.5. That is downright jaw dropping. That's an entire work day exclusively devoted to cartoon watching, tweeting and video games. Literally, that's longer than you spend at your desk on a daily basis.

As a marketer, I can appreciate a game based on branding. I would without question support a game called Brandland or Brandempire or anything... but it seems to me like Monopoly's selling out with negative motivations. The classic game that we all knew and loved, the classic game that stood for quality family and friend time, the classic game that taught you about money and rent and heck, even taxes, has sold out in favor of a dollar.

In the wide world of marketing, you have to evolve. Complacency kills the cat (pun intended) and I get it, old brands struggle through evolution. At the core though, Monopoly has always stood for something in my mind, and it seems that the mindset behind this drastic change is not on brand in the slightest.

The question I'd pose to Monopoly is this: Is the motivation behind this truly for the betterment and evolution of the brand or is it a hands in the air, scatterbrained attempt to keep up with the ever changing tech landscape?  I wish you the best Monopoly but, if I were you, I'd be careful what I throw in the towel for.

I’M COMIC SANS, ASSHOLE.

Where the voices of Chubbies, Thug Kitchen and Font Whore Creatives Meet... this is f'ing amazing. Let it be known that this would be in comic sans if my blog were compatible. 

comic_sans - - - -

Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge?

You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.
Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.
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