What Do You Get When You Mix Pentatonix's Little Drummer Boy With Short Wearing Santas: A Killer Parody

In case you missed the viral snowstorm recently, Pentatonix recently came out with their own acapella version of The Little Drummer Boy (yea, that link was a hint hint to watch it if you haven't already). It blew up overnight and I'd be lying if I didn't divulge the fact that I listened to it ... let's just say more than once. I shared that sh*t with all my co Pitch Perfect aficionados (#represent) (#proudofit) and got lost in the magic of their soothing ass voices and hauntingly beautiful harmonies. It wasn't until the <insert unembarassing number here> time watching it that I realized how absolutely ridiculous this video is and that, to agree with the ol Huff Post, it was just begging for a parody.

Thanks to Chubbies - we need beg no more.

From consistent typography and whimsically authentic expressions, to short ass santa shorts set against a picturesque sunlit backdrop and of course the classic beer chug... this is golden. Enjoy.

  [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGkRHngd8GA&w=560&h=315]

Virgin America is My New Favorite Airline

Some of you may be thinking, Fletch, how on earth can you make a bold ass claim like that when your own father, Captain Ferdojet Fletcher, was a Delta Captain for over 35 years AND you've literally not ever once flown on your new fav airline? Great question friends - and it's one you certainly won't ask once you've seen the following in flight safety video.

Now again, you're probably thinking, I hate those damn VHS quality, 1976 recorded, annoying ass in-flight videos almost as much as I hate the overweight, 57 year old flight attendant who keeps pestering me to turn off my iPhone even though I KNOW there is literally zero chance it will affect the safety or sanctity of my flight.*

Again, great point - BUT this video combines my unencumbered passion for killer, out of the box marketing, the wonderment of creating a memorable brand voice and, you guessed it, musicals.

If any big brand readers out there have the drive or desire to make something like this, holla atcha girl. Mark my words, I will make a video of this magnitude before too long.

Watch. Get chills. Fly Virgin.

*No offense to any former/current flight attendants or pilots I may be friends with on Facebook. I love you all and think you're beautiful. 

  [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtyfiPIHsIg&w=420&h=315]

AriZona Iced Tea's Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

The following epic beyond epic letter posed from the perspective of Jim Sterch, of AriZona IcedTea's Marketing Department, is fing delightful and you should all read it.  Dear Miley,

Jim Sterch here from AriZona Iced Tea’s marketing department. I wasn’t going to write you this letter, but today I’ve received two emails from interns asking me to remark upon your most recent Terry Richardson photo shoot…So this is what I need to say…And it is said in the spirit of a dude whose job it is to sell giant aluminum cans of refreshing iced tea for the low price of 99 cents.

I am extremely concerned that we might not have enough inventory on hand to fill the massive orders we are getting in the wake of these racy photos. Whoever around you led you to believe that posing half naked with a can of AriZona Iced Tea is in any way “cool” is spot on. Their cool barometer, in this humble marketing guy’s opinion, could not be much cooler. Heck, I’d go so far as to say their cool-o-meter is set to, “iced!”

Nothing but sales will come in the long run from you holding one of our cans of delicious AriZona Iced Tea like a big, hard cock and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way costing us anything for this advertising. Thank you for taking a picture with the label out so people can see that 99 cents for a tall can of iced tea is a great value (even for you) and then also the thing where you hold it like a thick boner and stick your tongue out. Just fantastic stuff all around.

Screen_shot_2013-10-07_at_3.56.20_PM.png (source) & (source)

I am happy to hear you enjoy our iced tea and hope you pay close attention to what I am telling you.

The iced tea business is out of touch with kids these days. Up until these pictures came out, our most innovative marketing strategy was to capitalize the letter “z” and lock the price in at 99 cents. We just don’t give a shit about you, or anyone under the age of 45. Have you been to Arizona? It’s mostly people over the age of 45.

We’re not kidding ourselves. We know none of the creepy perverts oggling your pictures give a shit about AriZona Iced Tea. Many’s the man mistook jerking off for stock dividends. If Joe from Palm Beach wants to print out a picture of you holding a can of AriZona Iced Tea like a penis and masturbate onto it (as thousands with access to a working printer no doubt already have) that doesn’t mean Joe gives a fuck about our beverage. But one day, maybe tomorrow or maybe the day after tomorrow, Joe will walk into a gas station with five quarters in his pocket and leave with a cold can of AriZona Iced Tea.

Yes, I’m suggesting you are helping us sell iced tea. I don’t encourage my daughters to walk around naked posing with cans of iced tea, but that’s only because they’re not famous and, like the distressing majority of their middle school peers, not that hot.

Thanks to you, our cans are worth more than 99 cents. It used to be you just got a refreshing drink when you purchased a can of AriZona Iced Tea. Now, you also get a fond memory of that time Miley Cyrus posed in a red thong-leotard thing where you could almost see her vagina lips, or whatever. Don’t be under any illusions.. ALL our cans of iced tea will still be sold at the affordable and clearly printed price of 99 cents.. but it’s cool that drinking one might make some dudes want to masturbate for confusing and hard to pin down reasons.

I repeat, all our cans of delicious AriZona Iced Tea will still be available for the low price of 99 cents. Some stores might try to sell it for more, but you shouldn’t let them make a fool of you. Don’t think for a moment that the guy behind the counter at your local convenience store has the authority to charge more than 99 cents for a can of our refreshing iced tea. He’s just there for the money.. we’re there for the money also, but we only want 99 cents. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The sooner people realize that, the sooner they can REALLY buy some cans of iced tea.

You also can see your nipples in some of the Terry Richardson photos. Very cool. I am happy you made that choice, because now that I am almost 47 years old I like to masturbate to people closer in age to my daughters than my wife. The heart wants what the heart wants. Unfortunately for me, that means frequently clearing the browser history on the family computer in the living room that we all use. I hold my breath every time my wife Carol goes to show me a video on YouTube. All my dads out there using the communal family computer to masturbate know what’s up with that last sentence.

Real empowerment of a beverage doesn’t come from printing the affordable price right on the can or even from delivering a consistently excellent product for decades. It comes from having one of the most famous young stars on the planet pose semi-nude holding your can. I’ve been in this business long enough to know we are making more money after these almost nude photos surfaced. It’s really so cool. And it’s sending a great message to other young women. Please pose half naked with our iced tea! We would love nothing more than for this to become some kind of thing like that “iced” fad that gave Smirnoff a Q3 bump in 2010. Maybe we call it Getting Zon’d? Getting Iced 2.0? I’ll leave it to smarter people to come up with the name, but you get the idea. And with the raise I’m getting for this future phenomenon I hope to be able to buy my mistress diamonds.

As for the shedding of our 99 cent price.. whoever is telling you we are ever going to do that is absolutely NOT accurate. Our tea is talented enough that we could charge twice that, but we don’t because our market research shows us even our most loyal fans would be waaaaaaaaay pissed by that move and probably switch to a cheaper copycat drink.

Whether we like it or not, and we definitely do like it, your photos have launched us to the next level in the canned drink game. It’s so cool, Miley. It’s dangerously cool. I am encouraging you to send a message to your peers that they should all pose in red thong leotard things with cans of AriZona Iced Tea, then post pictures on social media sites with reckless disregard for their futures. And if anyone from my company leads you to believe otherwise, I will kindly fire that motherfucker because they don’t care about AriZona Iced Tea.

As posted on FunnyorDie

I’M COMIC SANS, ASSHOLE.

Where the voices of Chubbies, Thug Kitchen and Font Whore Creatives Meet... this is f'ing amazing. Let it be known that this would be in comic sans if my blog were compatible. 

comic_sans - - - -

Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge?

You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.
Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.
I-Hate-Comic-Sans-Font_1

Crazy Naked Man in BART Alternates Between Fighting People... And Gymnastics

Pretty much amazing. UPDATE: Turns out he was a circus acrobat who suffered from a nervous breakdown... which makes it even better... even though I wish him well. Take a look on Gawker. 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQUeZx82VmU&w=420&h=315]

How Do You Like To Be Tinder'd Girl?

Amorous couple on romantic date or celebrating together at resta In case you missed my recent article in Advertising Week, here it is again. 

Once upon a time, there was a little thing called a date. There was a boy and a girl, a car and a dinner. There was an awkward goodnight moment, a silly 3-day waiting period, a little spark, a follow up, and a second date. There was a little thing called romance. It is a with a heavy heart that we must place a metaphorical rose on the coffin of these ancient concepts in favor of a new time; the dawning of a new era where you’ve most likely DTR’d* if a guy uses his phone to call – a time where snap chats are the new non committal text – a time where guys ask ‘how do you like to be Tinder’d girl’ – and that time, ladies and gentlemen, is now.

You all know what Tinder is by now but in case you don’t, it’s a ‘Hot or Not’ dating-esque application that has very successfully removed the stigma from online dating as we know it. By showing mutual Facebook friends and eliminating rejection, coupled with a dash of gaming, Tinder has crafted a modern day love potion for the anti eHarmony 20-somethings of today. They’ve recently made updates to their platform to address slow chat time and age filter issues, two of the top complaints, and have even added a matchmaker feature where you can set two of your friends up on a date, to network or whatever you little heart desires.

Old news right? Stay with me.

Taking this a spark beyond the kindling, a new Facebook application recently hit the world wide web – it’s called BangWithFriends and no, I’m not kidding. God forbid you have the balls to friend request the girl you met last night or dare I say poke her, now, you can outright request a bang sesh with no strings attached. The app’s dev team, who describes themselves as, “badass dudes happy to play wingman to over 10,000 couples and counting now,” saw a void in the modern dating arena – and boy did they fill it (giggity).

bang

Obviously I see a few issues here – the largest of which is security. For example, that moment you forget to put Spotify on private while jamming to ‘Just Around the River Bend’ because, well – it’s important to remember that the water’s always changing, always flowing and you just don’t know what’s around that bend. If those colors of the wind stream to Facebook though, color me.. I mean you- embarrassed. Despite supposedly secure settings, I’m not about to take any chances of being publicly associated with an application that reveals my desire to go to pound town with a random.

#justsayin

Screen Shot 2013-06-10 at 9.27.09 AM

One of the many other unsettling parts of apps like this, while I understand their motivation and even appreciate their entertainment, is what they might mean for the future. The ‘why date when you can bang’ mindset is a messy one. Of course issues like safety, security, etc. will always be there; but taking a rather large step back, what might these social taboos turned norms mean for us and the way we ‘date’ moving forward? Online dating has been revolutionary in the way people meet and form relationships- but these digital booty calls take it to another level entirely.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m glad dating isn’t like it was in the 1950s. I do though, implore you Tinder-ers, Grinders, and BangWithFriends-ers to step back and properly categorize these new toys with a clear mind…and at least one foot firmly planted on the ground.

*defined the relationship

Dear Kia Sorento - Your Super Bowl Commercial Rules. Love, Me

Dear Kia Sorento, why yes, I was wondering where babies come from. Thank you for enlightening me. As a marketer, I'm required to tear apart bad marketing, praise the good, and take in everything in between. My BFF Jake just sent me this commercial and I must hand it to him, it's a gem.

  [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t535BjVmXq8&w=560&h=315]

Why Blogging Matters

Tis the season for checking annual analytics and check them I did. I thought I’d take a look at the numerical proof in the pudding from December 2011 until now. What I found was pretty darn interesting if I do say so myself and as such, I thought I’d share it with you all.

Generally speaking in web analytics land, we expect the top 2 referral traffic sources to be, you guessed it, search engines and Facebook. I’d expect a third and fourth for me, to be Twitter and Pinterest, as those are really they only ways I push out content. To my surprise I found the following:

#1. Facebook with 3,829 referrals

#2. Search Engines with 3,398 referrals

#3. ChaCha.com with 587 referrals

#4. Twitter with 353 referrals

#5. Pinterest with 238 referrals

#6. LinkedIn with 20 referrals

#7. thepensblog with 19 referrals

Chacha.com, a site I’ve never heard of, posted the following picture earlier this year.

Screen shot 2012-12-14 at 11.28.56 AM

They sited me as you can see in the top right and in doing so, referred nearly 600 visits to my site in less than 1 year.

Obviously a pretty solid drop, but still significant is thepensblog.com. Someone I don’t know posted the following in a comment thread of an unrelated post.

Screen shot 2012-12-14 at 11.32.01 AM

Mind you, 20 isn’t a huge number but for someone I don’t know to copy and paste my url into a comment thread (when they could have just stolen & posted the image) and thereby inform 20 brand new people about my site, is pretty awesome.

Also noteworthy is the wonder that is Pinterest. I’m lucky in that I have a lot of active friends with similar senses of humor on this wildly addicting site. The list of my site’s pin referral traffic is too long to take a screen shot of – but know that Pinterest is a blogger’s dream. Want people to see your stuff? Make it good, not self promotional and relevant. Your friends – and your friends friends – and your friends friends friends will take care of the rest.

In closing, I’ll leave you with the inspiring possibilities that come with the idea of actually trying to market your stuff (because what I’ve done is the bare minimum). Imagine what would happen if you set aside 2 hours each week to create content. What if you implemented even a basic SEO strategy? Could you increase your traffic if you tweeted more, pitched your stuff to local or even national bloggers, started an email newsletter? The possibilities are endless.

Be inspired.

As originally posted on the JT Creative Blog.